Things I have been (mostly) smart enough to figure out on my own; without any other preamble, here are ten random bits of advice for my brother and three nephews going to sea for the first time:
1. Do not make enemies in the Steward’s Department- particularly the chief cook. Just don’t do it. I go out of my way to thank them, every meal, no matter how inedible it might have been. If you’re going to throw a plate of food away, don’t be seen doing it, or when the ship runs out of milk 10 days into a crossing, for example, YOU are “that bastard who wastes food,” and you’ll be blamed (even if you don’t drink milk). Mantra: “I’d rather eat this garbage once, today, than food-too-salted-for-consumption, 3 times a day, for 75 days.”
2. It might be your personal head, but leave the toilet seat down- it will only be when you are at your most exhausted, and you’ve just fallen asleep, when the ship will roll and the seat will crash down and wake you up, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t fall back asleep again. Come to think of it, there’s a hook on your refrigerator door for a good reason, too. Turn the fan on. Create white noise to drown out the stuff that will wake you. But put the seat down. Mantra: “Hey! It actually DOES make a difference!”
3. When they say there is “no stupid question,” they’re lying. There are good stupid questions, and bad stupid questions- learn the difference quickly, as your reputation will be made accordingly. Mantra: “I’d rather be an idiot than look like one.”
4. More than half the people out here will tell you what to do, even though only one or two should be doing so. Some of these jerkwads will even tell you what to think. Know who should be telling you what to do and who you can tell to perform anatomical-impossibilities to themselves. If they persist, ask them to show you what they mean and keep asking good stupid questions that will keep them engaged in doing what you shouldn’t be doing. If you can make them look like an outright idiot, more the better. Mantra: “I still don’t understand- can you show me one more time?”
5. Maintain your aloofness and distance from your watch partner until you are 100% certain of their relative harmlessness. People hide a rotten nature behind a good personality, and at sea that rotten nature IS going to come out, and once it does, it won’t be put away again. And there is nowhere you can go to get away from that bastard for 8 hours a day. Mantra: “A vampire can only come into my house if I invite it, first.”
6. If something doesn’t look safe, you MUST say “I’m not doing that- it isn’t safe.” If some power-tripping mate fires you for insisting on doing something you believe to be unsafe then they become, at minimum, liable for all the wages you would have made from the point of firing until the end of your contract. Your job isn’t worth your life or limb- and trust me, they know their job isn’t worth your lawsuit, either. Mantra: “Well, fire me then, asshole.”
7. If someone gets an emotional response from you then you’ve just become their target for the rest of the voyage. The comedy of every situation will percolate to the fore if you approach these idiots with detachment- if you can laugh in their face and genuinely find the humor in the absurd situations they create, then you have taken their best weapon from them completely and at no cost to yourself. My friend the Fisherman was once told to put a disagreeable mate’s suitcase down on the dock, so- with a dead-pan and bored demeanor, without so much as blinking an eye or pausing for thought, he picked up the mate’s bag and tossed it over the rail to the dock, 50 feet below.
OK… that’s not exactly to my point. Just don’t let anyone get you too excited. Know exactly how far you can go and then go no further: That disagreeable mate had just signed off his ship’s articles- the Fisherman bided his time and then acted with absolute and devastating impunity… he couldn’t be punished in any way. Mantra: “Whatever you say, bossman.”
8. Don’t keep easy to eat junk food, no matter how healthy, in your room. Just don’t do it. Mantra: “3 lbs. of cashew will make me sick every single time.”
9. Take your caffeine requirements into your own hands before ever leaving land- getting out to sea without real coffee just sucks. I carry a minimum of a hand grinder, a pound of beans, and an aeropress to sea. I wash the filters and reuse them, just in case- I’d hate to run out. My ship currently has a K-cup machine so I have a case of k-cups, but I take organic instant with me, too, just in the off-hand chance all other caffeine delivery systems fail. Mantra: “I really need something to obsess about.”
10. Every ship is different. One ship will stow the rat-guards in a lashing box, while the next, nearly-identical ship will leave them next to the chocks. Don’t fight it- learn the way it’s done on your current ship and do it that way. It doesn’t matter if there’s a better way. Nobody cares how clever you are. The old-timers have forgotten why they do it that way “on this ship,” but sure as day, if you mess with it you’ll probably figure out that, yeah… indeed… it is done the best way, already. Mantra: “Ooooooh! Well… hell. NOW I get it.”
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